Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
