best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
