this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
