i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
