JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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