Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
