it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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