your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
