and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
