Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
