i think my tv is drunk
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
bring money and cleavage
a search helicopter?!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
