either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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