my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
