So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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