she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
