I am puke
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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