Already got asked if we're dating
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
