just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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