it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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