That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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