call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
