i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
