Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
