Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
