his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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