he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Mom said you looked used
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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