Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
