My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
