I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Is it penis luge time yet?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
