My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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