i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
