What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
