where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
