lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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