Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
