I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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