I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
