Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
