How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
