Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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