The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
