Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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