I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
