I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
