Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I didn't notice because vodka
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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