im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
