Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
