Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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