If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
