youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
