I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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