what day is it and did you see me today?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
