I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
