How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
