Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
