Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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