ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
